Why do I hate myself?
I am not a "bad" person.
I try to be polite to others and help my friends when they're in need.
I am smart.
As a career, I want to help others.
I stopped believing a lot of Christianity because of how hateful it can be.
Is it that? Is it the religion thing? Do I just feel guilty because I'm letting Jesus down? Well, back when I believed every word in the Bible, I still felt guilty for letting Jesus down, so how can that be it? I also stopped with Christianity because, when I felt like crap about myself, I was not only letting me down, I was not living up to God's standards. That's a large burden to place on a young woman's shoulders.
I feel like there must be something intrinsically wrong with me because I hate myself so damn much. I have friends and a husband who loves me. They don't think I suck. So why do I? There are things I'd like to work on--for example I am pretty bitchy (pretend or real) 90% of the time, and that can get old. I am judgemental about looks and cynical about Christians. I have a hard time finding the positive in situations.
Am I dysthymic?
I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm coming up to the end of my undergraduate career, and I have no plans, except staying in this podunk town for a while longer, until I figure out something better. I just want to punch faces. I want to go back in time and choose a major or a school that will actually help me get a job with a bachelor's degree.
I want to wake up and not be me.
Friday, April 17, 2009
First One
Here's my first attempt at blogging. I decided to begin this blog, hoping it would be something I could do to release tension and rant about things I don't feel comfortable ranting about to people who know me, or things they're sick of hearing about.
Ok: I hate texting. I think it's the most ridiculous thing--it encourages people to be multi-tasing ALL the time. I hate it. It is a social barrier more than anything. I know what you're thinking, "But texting allows me to stay in touch with other people." Yes and no. Texting allows a lot of shallow conversation, a lot of "keeping tabs" on other people, but not a lot of discussion. We've gotten bored or uncomfortable or both with actual discussion and connection, so we feel the need to bug our friends and family constantly. I would much rather talk to someone face-to-face, but I'd settle for talking on the phone. At least then, I know someone is devoting some attention to me. Granted, this may be a narcissistic rant, but there's something to be said for devoting your whole attention span to another person. Consider this: if you're not willing to give your full attention span to someone (stop what you're doing and listen to what they have to say), then why are you even texting that person? Since when are relationships something that we can multi-task?
Also, I hate going into a public place alone or any sort of uncomfortable silence. I admit this. Hell, I have even fiddled with my phone before, to put up a wall. I think it's awful, though, that we're so afraid of "isolation" that, instead of striking up a conversation with a stranger, we text our friends. Who knows? Maybe that stranger would actually be someone to whom you wanted to devote your undivided attention--but you'll never know because you're busy half-assing your conversation via text. We're so afraid to be alone, and that's scary. True, I have problems being alone with myself. I don't really like myself, to be totally honest. I am working on this, however, and not wasting all my time surrounding myself with anyone who knows how to operate a cell phone, to avoid being alone.
As I write this, I'm aware of how hypocritical I am, for posting an anonymous (?) blog. I could be alone right now, but I'm using technology to try to connect with others. Maybe I shouldn't knock texting till I try it. However, I don't want to pay for that. In addition to being opinionated, I'm also very cheap.
Ok: I hate texting. I think it's the most ridiculous thing--it encourages people to be multi-tasing ALL the time. I hate it. It is a social barrier more than anything. I know what you're thinking, "But texting allows me to stay in touch with other people." Yes and no. Texting allows a lot of shallow conversation, a lot of "keeping tabs" on other people, but not a lot of discussion. We've gotten bored or uncomfortable or both with actual discussion and connection, so we feel the need to bug our friends and family constantly. I would much rather talk to someone face-to-face, but I'd settle for talking on the phone. At least then, I know someone is devoting some attention to me. Granted, this may be a narcissistic rant, but there's something to be said for devoting your whole attention span to another person. Consider this: if you're not willing to give your full attention span to someone (stop what you're doing and listen to what they have to say), then why are you even texting that person? Since when are relationships something that we can multi-task?
Also, I hate going into a public place alone or any sort of uncomfortable silence. I admit this. Hell, I have even fiddled with my phone before, to put up a wall. I think it's awful, though, that we're so afraid of "isolation" that, instead of striking up a conversation with a stranger, we text our friends. Who knows? Maybe that stranger would actually be someone to whom you wanted to devote your undivided attention--but you'll never know because you're busy half-assing your conversation via text. We're so afraid to be alone, and that's scary. True, I have problems being alone with myself. I don't really like myself, to be totally honest. I am working on this, however, and not wasting all my time surrounding myself with anyone who knows how to operate a cell phone, to avoid being alone.
As I write this, I'm aware of how hypocritical I am, for posting an anonymous (?) blog. I could be alone right now, but I'm using technology to try to connect with others. Maybe I shouldn't knock texting till I try it. However, I don't want to pay for that. In addition to being opinionated, I'm also very cheap.
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