Self

Why do I hate myself?

I am not a "bad" person.
I try to be polite to others and help my friends when they're in need.
I am smart.
As a career, I want to help others.
I stopped believing a lot of Christianity because of how hateful it can be.

Is it that? Is it the religion thing? Do I just feel guilty because I'm letting Jesus down? Well, back when I believed every word in the Bible, I still felt guilty for letting Jesus down, so how can that be it? I also stopped with Christianity because, when I felt like crap about myself, I was not only letting me down, I was not living up to God's standards. That's a large burden to place on a young woman's shoulders.

I feel like there must be something intrinsically wrong with me because I hate myself so damn much. I have friends and a husband who loves me. They don't think I suck. So why do I? There are things I'd like to work on--for example I am pretty bitchy (pretend or real) 90% of the time, and that can get old. I am judgemental about looks and cynical about Christians. I have a hard time finding the positive in situations.

Am I dysthymic?

I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm coming up to the end of my undergraduate career, and I have no plans, except staying in this podunk town for a while longer, until I figure out something better. I just want to punch faces. I want to go back in time and choose a major or a school that will actually help me get a job with a bachelor's degree.

I want to wake up and not be me.